I have for years been a big believer in the idea of self-exploration and I am a believer in the idea that one should follow one’s own heart. I believe that one of the greatest mistakes we make in our life is not to explore our inner-life and deal with issues and it is a tragedy to wake up one day and realize that we should have taken the opportunity that had presented itself.
I have had times in my life been in a place where self-exploration was forced on me by circumstances in my life and there have been times when I made the choice to explore issues in my life because I felt there was a need to make a change. Whether it was forced upon us by our life’s circumstances or whether it is by our choice looking at our issues and struggles makes us a better person.
A few days ago, I was sitting in my car waiting for my mother as she was undergoing surgery to remove a cataract from one of her eyes. It’s a pretty common procedure and largely brought on by a person’s age. Because I work with many elderly people, I had asked a few customers I knew well about their experience. Each friend reassured me that the surgery was well worth it and the procedure was fairly quick and easy. So, I was feeling more than comfortable and confident that all would go well and my anxiety level would be low that morning.
As I sat waiting, I attempted to find a news station hoping to find election information and updates. I watched as other patients arrived and saw countless employees enter the employee entrance. I remember thinking, “boy, this is quite an operation and I didn’t expect to see so many people.” They must have opened really early because I saw within a few minutes after dropping off my mother patients exiting and being picked up in the patient pick up area.
My initial thought was that I would see my mother shortly. Yet, after an hour of sitting in the car, I began to wonder if something was wrong and what could be the possible delay. With the virus being what it is, I knew that I would be unable to enter the building to find out what was happening. So, I was left with my own thoughts and conflicting feelings which began to run through my mind.
Now, for most people, I know that waiting is no big deal. I also know that the thought that something was wrong may never cross their mind. Yet, my past experiences with hospitals and doctors are linked to my having cerebral palsy and my time spent with doctors and in hospitals and remembering that most of those experiences were traumatic from my point of view. Later that day and sitting at my desk, I realized that my talking with others about their experience was to give myself some reassurance and even my watching patients leave was a confidence builder and a way of saying, “see it will be alright.”
As the surgery approached the third hour, I could feel my confidence giving way to greater anxiety and restlessness. Thankfully, the door opened to the pickup area and I saw my mother walking slowly beside the nurse. As the nurse reached the car door my mother graciously thanked her and the others for their care. Safely in my car, I felt the anxiety and restlessness break and I felt I could breathe again.
As I sat at the desk in my house, I was thinking over the whole experience. I began to ask myself the question of why do I always have some type of reaction to places like doctor’s offices and hospitals. Now, I know as I have stated my experiences play into my reaction and I know the logical part of myself knows that my experiences were decades ago and I am in more control of what happens to me. I also know that the medical community has made real strides in how they now treat patients. Yet, I find myself always confronted with fear and anxiety in those places. Why, is the question I asked myself. I am an adult aren’t I? The past is the past isn’t it?
The easiest path would be to avoid doctors and hospitals and therefore avoid the fear and anxiety that often accompany me in those places. And I’ve done that for a good part of my life. The other choice is to examine and if possible, confront those issues and reach a place of healing or at least learn better how to handle that fear and the anxiety that I feel when it comes up.
A few days later I was watching a program on World War I and one of the topics they touched on was the affects of war on men and a condition called shellshock. Today we would know it as post dramatic stress disorder. Men would appear physically unaffected and suddenly experience fear and anxiety and other side effects. I wondered to myself if I had some form of PTSD when encountering doctors or I was around a hospital.
So, I did what most people do today. I googled it using the words hospital and PTSD. Much to my surprise, I found a summary of one research paper and one article that clearly said hospital patients can and have experienced PTSD as a result of their experience in hospitals. There it was I had identified and put a name to something I had experienced over and over again.
While I need to dig a little deeper and continue to research the topic, I wondered how many other people with disabilities continue to struggle with their fear and anxiety from visiting a doctor or from going to a hospital when they were young. It certainly would have been beneficial to know this information earlier in life and I am certain that I will likely continue to struggle with my fear and anxiety but, knowing a possible cause means learning better how to cope with it.
Note to visitors: I think this is perhaps one of the most important blogs I will write this year. I say that, because you yourself or someone you know may have had a dramatic or life-changing experience while in the hospital and you may be struggling as I do with their feelings and anxiety and be searching for some possible answer. I am not sure how many people know about this important information and I would love it if you would pass it along.
I hope that as I learn more I can write more on this topic and I will link in my “sites to visit” links to this information if you are interested in researching it for yourself.
Thoughts? E-mail: francisearly@francisearly.com
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