A few months ago, I was scanning Facebook on my iPhone and I came across a post that my friend Lisa had posted.
“Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
When I read it a few times, I said I’ve got to find out where this quote came from and quickly messaged Lisa to ask. The quote comes from the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle. The next day, I headed to a local bookstore and purchased a copy of the book having never even read the book jacket. For days, I would lay in bed at night reading each chapter carefully. Each chapter told how the author came to the realization that the messages the culture sends to women and to men are messages of conformity. Untamed is her story of how she decided to buck the system and how she found her freedom from conformity.
While Glennon’s message is largely aimed at women, her message can also apply to men. As I reflected on what I was reading, I realized how deeply our culture’s messages have impacted me. One of the biggest messages we get is this message of not disappointing others. As I looked for personal examples, I realized that for a great deal of my life, I have struggled with the issue of not disappointing people. Additionally, I realized that I would rather disappoint myself than disappoint someone else. Can you relate? Have you been there?
As I laid in bed one night, I asked myself what would it mean if I learned how to say no, when I realize that I don’t really want to do something. What would it mean if the next time, I get a phone call asking me to drop what I’m doing which is important to me and say no?
What it means is that I am saying no to our culture’s message of conformity and learning it is part of self-care. This does not mean that I won’t step in when there is a real emergency or need. It also means learning to order my priorities. It also means that when I say yes, I can actually be there totally and I will not be kicking myself for having said yes when all the time I wanted to say no afterword.
From the same Chapter of the quote:
“EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TISH: Keri doesn’t like me.
THIRTY-EIGHT- YEAR-OLD ME: Why not? What happened? What can we do to make it better?
TWEVLEVE-YEAR- OLD TISH: Sara doesn’t like me.
FORTY-TWO-YEAR OLD ME: Okay. Just a fact, not a problem.
TWEVLEVE-YEAR- OLD TISH: Totally.”
Thoughts? E-mail: francisearly@francisearly.com
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